Music

The Voodoo Spell

This just in: Country Singer/Songwriter Kenny Chesney has cast a strange and unknown voodoo spell on America. This comes after Chesney steals America’s hearts on his highly publicized “Somewhere in the Sun” concert on ABC.

“We rarely do music specials centered around a single artist because so few have the necessary broad appeal,” said Andrea Wong, executive vice president, alternative programming, specials and late night. “But Kenny is so enormously popular he can sell millions of records, sell out stadiums across the country and bring in a large television audience. We’re thrilled he’s part of the ABC family.”

The special will be anchored by Chesney’s sold-out show at Pittsburgh’s Heinz Stadium. In addition, the man who’s sold 17-million albums including 4 million copies of “Greatest Hits,” “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems” and the CMA Album of the Year “When The Sun Goes Down” will strive to give viewers a sense of what truly makes him “the superstar next door.”

With an emphasis on music, the special will include his hits, “When The Sun Goes Down,” “There Goes My Life,” “Old Blue Chair,” “Young” and many of the songs his fans know by heart, all to be given high-impact treatments — and insight behind the revved up performances people expect.

Cameras will fly to the Caribbean island where Chesney takes retreat from his life on the road. There, the special will reveal the private side of Chesney as he gets away from the spotlight of being the biggest country music star and shows the beauty of his tropical island life and the activities with which he enjoys to kick back and relax. Some of Chesney’s fellow country music stars and close friends (to be announced) will also make appearances in the special.

“They’re letting me be very involved,” says Chesney, “and respecting that this friendship I’ve had with my fans has been one of the most enduring in country music. There are those folks who think our show starts at 9:15, but they’re people who don’t really understand. To me and my crew, it all gets started about 2:30 when the fans roll into the parking lot with their grills and their cold drinks to get the party started. That’s what we’re about: forgetting everything that’s bugging you and having a few hours of fun. And that’s a lot of what this special’s gonna be: how we have fun on the road and off.”

This “boy next store” act has won Chesney into the hearts of millions of screaming girls (and boys) who love him for his “big biceps” and his cut off collared tees. This lack of fashion sense has gone over remarkably well considering no other American has been able to pull it off without receiving comments such as “momma’s boy” or “toad licker.” Ugly actress and wife of Chesney, Renee Zellweger, has even realized that Chesney just isn’t all American cracks him up to be, and asked for an annulment. Celebrity reporters claim that even though Zellweger has no chance at another man, loneliness is better than a “Voodoo doll in a cowboy hat.”

Renee Zellweger has sent America a message in asking for an annulment, encouraging America to annul Chesney and be cleansed of this strange, queer fascination over this “down to earth boy.”

You are no Voodoo lover, are you?

© 2005 Jon Shoemaker.